Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
