I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Randomize
