last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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