I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
