"it" just moved
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
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