see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.