Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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