he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
