Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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