I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
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