Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
