So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
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How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
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My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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