What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
