I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
