I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
