seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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