I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
