please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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