She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
