I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
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Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
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