WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
