people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Oh god it's open bar.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
