Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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