remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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