How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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