He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Found the puke drawer
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
