gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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