So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Found your dick twin last night
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
