you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
