I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
