Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
