I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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