Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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