she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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