Already got asked if we're dating
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
