I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
