so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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