Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
