I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
