I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
