she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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