my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
