Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize