so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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