dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
40s are totally the cure
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
