I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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