yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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