Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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