I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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