My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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