and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
