I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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