We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
