So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
