this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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