and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
